Finding My Camelot
by Shadows On A Love-Struck Soul
Summary: Ch9 - Arthur takes merlin to the most beautiful place he knows and tries to take his mind off the trouble with Uther. Their own perfect day together; but Arthur left something out of his plans for the day...
1. Finding My Camelot

I'm the new kid in school, today is my first day. I catch the bus in the morning and take a seat on the bottom deck, everybody has a seat to themselves because less people catch the bus in the morning, so I don't stand out as the only person with an empty seat, I can only dread what it will be like on the way home.

I follow everybody else off the bus and into the school reception. Most people just walk past but I stop, after receiving my timetable, and map I wander off to find a place to sit. There are some benches outside where I can read my map and compare it to my timetable. It's quite easy to work out where all my classrooms are, I pocket the map and timetable, hoping to leave the map in pocket and not walk round all day with my nose in it.

In my first class, maths, I have to sit next to a girl called Morgan. She has long, flowing black hair and bright blue eyes. She is friendly and talks to me about my old school and town. She asks the usual questions; what do you think of our school so far? How is it different to your old school? What do you think of the kids here? How about the teachers? I answer all of them with 'I haven't been here long enough to tell,'

When maths finishes I leave with Morgan. There is a girl waiting for her outside the classroom; she has caramel skin and lovely, curly black hair. She is called Jen. She likes to laugh. We are introduced and then Morgan turns to me, 'We aren't in your next class, we have geography instead, do you want us to show you the way? You're in our friends' class, we can introduce you,' It was very nice of her to offer. I accepted and followed them to the English department. Morgan walked confidently into the classroom and I followed, Jen waited by the door. She led me to the back of the room where two guys were leaning back in their chairs, their feet on the desks. One had brown, wavy hair and brown eyes, he could have been a model. The had dark, raven black hair and pale, creamy skin. His eyes flashed as he saw me, they were such a deep blue I thought I was going to fall into them. This guy was hot. I shook myself mentally but it didn't work, he was absolutely gorgeous. 'Arthur?' I came out of my reverie. 'I'd like you to meet Merlin,' the black haired boy raised a hand in greeting 'and Lance,' the brunette nodded at me. I smiled nervously.

Morgan left and I took my seat in front of Merlin. The teacher walked in and silence fell, I heard Merlin and Lance remove their feet from the desks. I felt better in this class than I was in maths, I was good at English, and I knew it. I was given a copy of 'Frankenstein' and spent the hour analysing the chapter which started 'It was a dreary night in November,' which our teacher kept repeating in her very heavy Manchester accent. The class was quiet but every few minutes I could hear chuckles and laughter from behind me and I couldn't shake off the nagging feeling that they were laughing at me.

At the end of class I left and found Morgan and Jen waiting outside the door. For one foolish moment I thought they were waiting for me, but they were waiting for Merlin and Lance. They all walked off together, laughing and holding hands, I watched them walk a few steps before, surprisingly, Morgan stopped and held her hand out for me. So we all walked off together, taking up the whole corridor: Merlin, Lance, Jen, Morgan and me. I was happy for the rest of the day; these guys were all funny and full of life. At least one of them was in every class I had so I always had someone to talk to.

When I found a seat on the bus going home I was about to put my iPod in when Morgan sat down next to me; 'Hello stranger,' she said, nudging me.

'Hey,' I replied.

There was a silence which lasted until we had pulled out of the school car park.

'Ok,' Morgan broke the silence 'There's something you need to know for the future if you're going to hang around with us,' I nodded, indicating that she should continue 'Merlin,' my heart leaped at his name 'and Lance are dating,' My heart plummeted further than it had been before.

'Oh, OK,' I said, quietly.

'But that's not all,'

'Go on?'

'Lance is dating Jen. Jen absolutely adores him and he cares about her. But Jen doesn't know that how Lance and Merlin feel about each other. And she is not going to be told; it would break her heart.'

'But what about Merlin?' I couldn't help asking.

'What about him?' she asked blankly.

'How does he feel about it,'

'How does anyone know? He is unreadable to such a degree that I don't even think Lance knows how he feels about it. But it is clear that he really cares about Lance, he cares too much to let him go. At least once a week I drag Jen off for a girlie evening or day shopping so Lance and Merlin can spend some time together. I may be enlisting you to help with this some weeks,'

'That's fine,' I nodded, smiling.

'And I also have the wonderful task of keeping Merlin company when Jen and Lance are together. They go out at least once a week which leaves Merlin on his own and all he thinks about is what they are doing, it makes him miserable which makes things very uncomfortable for me at school. I go round to his house and make him play board games or do coursework or revision, anything that would keep him distracted. And again, I may be calling on you some weeks,'

'That's fine too,' I said 'more than fine' is what I was thinking but I didn't say it. Now I knew Merlin was off limits but it didn't stop me wanting to spend time with him, just to see his face, his eyes, even if he never thought of me, would give me pleasure. 'But, where do you fit into this?' I asked.

'I am the one with common sense. I date one guy at a time, and I never date friends. How uncomfortable would it be if you dated a friend and then had a huge row? Could you go back to being friends?'

I reached up and pressed the bell to stop the bus.

'Hang on,' Morgan stopped me. 'We're all meeting at my house tonight, you're welcome to come,'

'I'd like that' I grinned.

'I'll text you the address, be there at seven o'clock,'

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Dad dropped me off at Morgan's house and drove off. I headed up the drive when a car pulled up, a convertible, with the roof down. Lance was driving, with Merlin in the passenger seat. I watched as Merlin reached over and kissed his boyfriend, before jumping out of the car and heading for the door, giving me a 'you saw nothing look'.

'I know, I know,' I muttered as he passed, I saw him relax his posture at my words.

I looked up to see Jen parking up and Lance slipping his arm round her waist and walking up the drive with her.

I followed them into Morgan's house, there was music playing through the speakers in the corners of the room and a pyramid of lager. As the hours passed and the pile of cans and bottles depleted we ended up playing spin the bottle. You had to spin the bottle and count the number of spins, one spin = 5 seconds of kissing. The person the bottle points towards when it stops is the person you have to kiss, with everyone else chanting the number of seconds left. I kissed Lance once, for five seconds, I felt Jen's and Merlin's eyes on me. I then had to kiss Jen and Morgan twice each. On my final go I spun the bottle really hard, it went round and round and round, 12 times, and then it landed on Merlin. My heart skipped. Lance roared with laughter. Merlin looked down, then at me, then back down.

'5 x 12? 60 seconds! One whole minute guys!' Merlin said, a delicious grin playing on his lips. He took a swig of lager before we both put our bottles down. Then he moved round Lance so we were facing each other, on our knees. I kept my eyes locked on his the whole time, they had a playful glitter to them that made me flutter. And then, suddenly, we were kissing. It was gentle at first, and then Merlin cupped the back of my neck with his hand and I caught hold of his hair, twisting it through my fingers. I could hear the others laughing. Merlin opened his mouth slightly, parting my lips with his. His breath was hot and sweet, I had expected it to taste of lager, but somehow it didn't. And then, all too soon, the guys had reached sixty and we had to pull apart. But Merlin kept his hand at the back of my neck for just a second too long after we had pulled back, his eyes focused on mine and a very faint blush coloured his cheeks.

Later, when I was lying in bed and unable to sleep, I thought I could still feel the tingle of his lips pressed against mine.

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At school the next day I joined Jen and Merlin for registration, they were in my form. Jen was happy and jolly as always, but Merlin was distant, blocked off, glazed over. He avoided my eye and turned to talk to someone else when I opened my mouth to say something. Little did I know then that this behaviour would go on for two months.

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'Arthur?' It was Morgan on the phone.

'Yeah?'

'Would you do me favour and go round to Merlin's?'

'Sure' I replied, but inside I was groaning, Merlin hated me.

'Thanks,'

'I take it, it's Jen and Lance's day?'

'You would be right there, and I'm busy today so, please, just go and entertain him for a bit,' she begged.

'I'm on my way now,' I hung up.

I knocked on Merlin's front door and a man answered it. He introduced himself as Merlin's foster father, named Guy. Guy told me he was a doctor and he was working all night so I was welcome to stay and keep Merlin company. He showed me into the living room which was dark, with the curtains drawn. Merlin was swigging from a bottle and staring blindly at the blank TV screen. Soft music was emanating from somewhere, it sounded like Motion City Soundtrack or Goo Goo Dolls, with acoustic guitar and piano. 'Well,' I thought 'today's going to be a bundle of laughs'. I sat down next him on the floor, leaning on the sofa. I had no idea what to do or what to say, so I sat in silence.

Eventually I had to break the silence; 'How are you?' I asked tentatively.

He looked at me in a way that made my stomach feel like an empty pit and the hair stand up on the back of my neck, 'How am I? My boyfriend is on a date with his girlfriend, I can only imagine what they are doing right now and I am here with you, how do you think I am?'

I ignored the personal jibe, knowing he just needed someone to take his feelings out on, and thought about what to say. 'So, how about we do something to take your mind off it?'

He let out a mirthless laugh, 'Like what?'

'Like…' I cast around for something, anything to suggest, my eyes fell on the blank TV screen 'like watch a movie,'

'Fine, why not?' he grumbled, so he set up the film and we leaned back on the sofa to watch it. I didn't pay any attention to the film; I just wanted to hear him breathing.

By the time the film had finished it had turned dark outside, I pulled out my phone and texted dad, telling him I was at a friend's house and I was fine so he wouldn't worry or call.

We had some microwave chips for dinner, along with a beer each. We set up watching the sequel to the film we had watched earlier, and like the earlier film, I didn't pay any attention to it. Merlin shifted so he was leaning on my shoulder slightly, I closed my eyes and concentrated on the warmth from his back on my shoulder and the calm, consistent sound of his breath.

'You know,' Merlin started 'when you're young, and your dad tells you stories, what did he tell you?'

'Why do you want to know?'

''cause I never had a dad,'

'What about Gaius?'

'Uncle, so, what did your dad tell you?'

I thought for a moment, what did my dad tell me? 'He told me about Camelot, and King Arthur. It seemed quite fitting.' Merlin laughed. 'He told me Camelot was like the field of dreams, it was the place people went when they were gloriously happy. Tremendously loved or proud or exhilarated.'

'Why?'

'I dunno, but I always hoped that one day, when I found love, I would reach those dizzying heights of happiness and find Camelot. That way I could really understand what he meant.'

Merlin was silent. I looked at his face and he seemed to believe it too. Then he spoke; 'That…is…the biggest pile of bull I have ever heard!' and he started laughing. I flicked his head.

When the credits started rolling up the screen, Merlin had fallen asleep. I checked my watch, which read 1:45, I reached forward for the remote control and turned the TV off. But this small movement made Merlin groan and turn his head into my chest, I didn't mind.

I just stared at him; he looked almost delicate when he was asleep. I put my arm round his shoulders and gently pulled him so he was tighter, closer to me. We half sat, half lay together on the sofa, and I slowly ran my fingers back through his hair, feeling the fibres and the gentle curve and curl of his hair.

As I stared over his creamy pale skin and dark black hair I knew. I had only known him for two months, and that's not long enough to know anyone properly, but I knew him. I understood everything that he was feeling and how much he was hurting because I was hurting just the same, over him. I knew his favourite music, his favourite food, even his favourite jeans and shirt, I knew his everything. And I knew, right there and then, that I loved him. But I could never have him. He cared so much for Lance that he wouldn't let him go, even when Lance had a chance with someone else. Merlin was out of bounds, off limits, and I wasn't even sure if he wanted to be in limits.

But I still had the here and now. I still had this night of lying here, with him asleep in my arms, and completely content. So I took a breath, closed my eyes and told him everything. I told him how much I cared and understood him, how I was sure I loved him already, how I knew everything about him, including the fact that he could never be mine. I poured my heart out and fed it to the darkness.

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When I opened my eyes, it was light. I was lying flat out on the sofa, and Merlin was lying with his head on my chest. I stroked his hair and closed my eyes, to go back to sleep, I wanted this to last as long as possible.

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It seemed like no time at all, but it was about three hours later that I woke up and Merlin wasn't there. I got up and padded through to the kitchen to get a drink, I needed some water. When I got back into the living room, Merlin was lying on the sofa, grinning.

'Morning,' he said, cheerily.

'Morning' I repeated 'What's made you so happy all of a sudden?'

'Nothing,' he replied, still smiling.

I knocked his feet off the sofa and sat down next to him. There was silence for a while, while I drank my water and he watched me, which made me uncomfortable.

'Did you really mean…'he broke off, tentatively, 'what you said last night?'

I nearly choked on my water. 'What?'

'You know,' he said, leaning on me again 'when you evidently thought I was asleep and you kept touching my hair,'

'You heard all that?' he nodded, his eyes sparkling. 'Why the hell didn't you say anything last night?'

'I wanted to hear everything you had to say,'

I jumped up, 'I've got to go, I have to get out of here,' I pulled on my jumper and stuffed my feet into my shoes.

'You don't have to leave you know,' I heard Merlin from behind me.

'No. No I really do. I can't stay here, not with you, it's not fair' I turned to the door, but Merlin was stood in front of it; 'Get out of my way,'

'No.'

'Please,'

'No,'

I tried to push him out of the way, but he took hold of my shoulders to steady himself. We both knew I was big enough and strong enough to know him down if I wanted to, but I didn't want to. I wanted him to want to get out of my way. I gave up, I stood there waiting for him to move but instead he reached up and pressed his lips to mine.

'No.' he said again.

'Exactly, no.' I replied.

'Sorry, what?'

'I said no. I'm not doing this. You love Lance, not me. You love Lance so much that you can't tell that he doesn't want you any more. Besides, you hate me. You kissed me once before and since then you've hardly spoken two words together to me and now you suddenly decide you want me just when Lance and Jen are together. I'm…I'm not going to be something on the side for you to play with when Lance is with her. I'm,' I took a deep breath and looked up at him 'I'm worth more than that,'

'Arthur, I know how you must be feeling but I need to explain this to you. I love Lance and I love you. I've loved you from the first day you arrived here, but after spin the bottle I knew it was you I was supposed to be with, and knowing that made me angry. I didn't want to hurt anyone else, I mean, imagine how bad Jen is going to feel when she finds out about me and Lance, and she will find out eventually. And if I started seeing you while seeing Lance who was seeing me while seeing Jen, everybody would have got hurt. And I didn't want to hurt anybody. I thought that if I stayed away from you, I would forget it all but I couldn't, so I stayed away from you.

'But if your feelings for me are the same as my feelings for you, then why shouldn't we be together? Can't you see that? I'll break up with Lance, and he'll be alright because he has Jen, and we can be together,'

'I don't know,' I mumbled.

'Don't you want to be with me?'

'Yes, but I think I need some time first, give me two weeks. You've got two weeks to break it off with Lance and then in fourteen days, I'll come back here, and we can begin again,'

Merlin nodded slowly, 'Ok, deal,'

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Two weeks went by. Merlin did as he promised and broke up with Lance. Morgan confided in me how confused she was. She couldn't understand how Merlin could care so much about lance one minute and then let him go the next. I didn't know if I should tell her or not so I kept quiet for now. When the fourteen days were up I got up on Sunday morning, washed and dressed, got in the car and drove to Merlin's house again.

When I arrived, I could see Guy pulling out in his car, he waved to me as we passed on the road. I took a moment to myself in the car, deep breaths before I got out, slammed the door and moved to the front door. I knocked on it nervously and waited.

Merlin opened the door and let me in. He looked about as nervous as I felt. When the door was shut, Merlin slid his arm round my waist and walked with me through to the living room. I wasn't sure of any of this. But, whatever it was Merlin was doing, I liked it. We put on TMF official UK Top 40 and sat on the floor together, leaning on the sofa, just like we had done two weeks ago. But this time, whenever he got bored, Merlin would mess with my hair or just look at me.

'Are you OK with this?' he asked suddenly.

'What? This? I'm fine,' I said, hoping to sound comfortable and not phased in the slightest.

'Good,' he murmured, and he kissed me. He was gentle at first, but then his kiss became deeper, rougher. I started to kiss him back, more and more, wrapping my arms round him and pulling him close. Merlin struggled up so he was on his knees before pushing me back, so he was lying on top of me. Then, after a moment of bliss, he pulled away from me, I opened my eyes to find him cradling my face and concentrating hard on my eyes. 'Do you want this?' he whispered.

I couldn't find my voice, so I nodded. He got up and pulled me up with him.

'Take my hand,' I took his hand and followed him out into the hall where he locked the front door as he passed and led me upstairs.

Merlin's bedroom was not what I had expected. I had no idea what I had expected but this certainly wasn't it, this was beautiful. Two walls were deep, burgundy red and the other two were a soft creamy colour. The two burgundy walls were covered with tiny golden lights. The bed was in the middle, with burgundy coloured sheets to match the walls. Somehow, the room still seemed masculine, even with fairy lights. Perhaps it was because Merlin's stuff was on the shelves and his artwork was on the walls, it made it seem like his room, and it was perfect.

I heard Merlin click the door shut behind me, and I went to close the curtains. Soon we were staring at each other, at a loss for what to do next. So I moved forward and kissed him again, feeling his hot breath tickle the inside of my mouth and fumbling with the buttons on his shirt. He pulled away from me, our faces about six inches away from each other. Merlin was breathing fast, excitedly as he finished with his shirt and started on mine. Then he went for my belt, followed by my jeans. 'Your turn,' he whispered. I moved close to him to unfasten his jeans, while he clung to me, sucking and biting the flesh on my shoulder.

The next thing I knew, we were lying on the bed, me on my back and Merlin on top of me. We kissed as deep and hard and strong as it was physically possible to, Merlin running his fingers through my hair and me taking handfuls of his arse. This time, I pulled away from him and kissed his forehead. 'Arthur,'

'Yes,' I murmured.

'I've never done this before.'

'Really?'

He shook his head.

I held him and kissed the top of his head. 'Look, I love you. I won't hurt you, I'd never hurt you.'

And that was it. He put all of his trust in me, and I tried to show him how much I cared. I knew that together, we could reach oblivion; and with Merlin's arms round me, clinging onto me, and his breath in my ear, begging for more, we found ourselves in that legendary place, where dreams come true. We found ourselves in Camelot.


	2. The Day After The Night Before

It took me quite a while to realise it was morning, and a while longer to realise that I wasn't in my own bed. My mind back tracked to what had happened yesterday, and then I remembered. We had fallen asleep in Merlin's bed. The clock on the night stand read 6:57, nearly time for college. I rolled over and saw Merlin, fast asleep, I wriggled towards him and kissed his shoulder. When the clock hit 7.00 it rang through the room and shattered our little world of peace.

Merlin blinked himself into consciousness and smiled at me. 'Morning,' he mumbled before sitting up. 'Do you want to shower first or shall I?'

'How can you be like that?' I asked, mystified 'We officially started seeing each other yesterday when we not only had sex but then both fell asleep in your bed.

'So, you slept here two weeks ago, remember?'

'That was by accident and that was a Saturday, we didn't have college the next day,'

'We don't have college today,' he replied simply.

That baffled me. 'What? It's a Monday?' I was unsure now.

'Yes,' he shrugged 'Well, we have this little thing called half term. We have a week off school,'

'But that still doesn't get rid of the problem that we slept together and nobody knows we're seeing each other,'

'And nobody has to know, at least not yet,'

'Fine!' I said exasperatedly 'Fine, I'm going in the shower,' and I stomped off. A few minutes later I was back in Merlin's room. 'Merlin?'

'Yes?' he asked, teasingly.

'How does the shower work?' Merlin looked up at me and grinned. He lead the way into the bathroom and opened the shower door. He pulled off his boxers and got in, turning the dial for power and heat and letting the water pound against him.

'Are you getting in or not?' he asked 'It's splashing,'

'What? With you?' I asked, shocked.

He nodded. I divested myself of underwear and slipped into the shower with him. We spent about fifteen minutes in the shower together. In that time I got to think, Merlin as my boyfriend was so different to Merlin as my friend of the past two weeks. As my friend we watched TV and went to gigs and met up with the others. As my boyfriend we were still going to do these things but there was going to be such secrecy and it would make everything all the more exciting. As my friend he was jolly and lively and fun. As my boyfriend he was flirty and charming and sweet and kind. It made such a difference. And there was no doubt in my mind that as just friends he would never have told me he was a virgin.

We were speeding down the bypass to my house, washed and dressed and exhilarated. Merlin's car sleek and black with an attachment where an iPod could be connected to the speakers. We put on Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls which was the song playing when we first kissed playing spin the bottle and sang (or rather, shouted) to it all the way down the road. We were high on life and everything was perfect, until we pulled up at my house and saw that my father was stood by the door in a suit and an angry expression.

'Oh, God,' I murmured and Merlin squeezed my hand, I squeezed back before taking a deep breath and getting out of the car.

'Arthur! Where have you been?'

'Out,'

'Yes I know that much, you stupid boy! Out where?'

'Oh, does it matter?' I saw my father's eyes flash 'I'm seventeen, if I want to go out all night then I will,'

Suddenly, I felt a hand on my arm, I turned to see Merlin standing next to me, he gave me a warning look which told me that what I was saying was not helping. 'Hello Mr Pendragon,' he said to my father 'I'm Merlin, I'm not sure we have met?'

'No,' he said, suddenly serene 'No, we haven't. What a pleasure it is to meet you,' They shook hands.

'Well, you see, Sir, Arthur and I were at a small party last night and it got so late that we thought it would be better for Arthur to stay at mine than come and disturb you in the middle of the night,'

Normally, Father would be frowning and saying that I shouldn't be out at night at all and would really embarrass me. But somehow, he was fine with everything. 'No, no, don't worry about it. It was very considerate of you and very kind to put Arthur up for the night. Thank you Merlin,'

Merlin flashed the dazzling smile he used on teachers and figures of authority to get his own way. He then turned to me; 'Aren't going in? You need to get some things' Merlin said with wide eyes that were saying to me 'please just go along with me'

'Oh, yeah,' I mumbled monosyllabically. It felt like I was coming out of a trance. 'Come with me, I don't know what I need,' and I headed into the house.

'What do you mean by that?' Father asked.

'We are going out for the day,' Merlin invented very calmly. 'There's a little place that I know of and I'm going to show Arthur around.

'Oh, how very nice of you Merlin. It's good to know Arthur has such nice friends,'

I heard Merlin say goodbye to my dad and Dad getting in his car and going to work. I sat on my bed, waiting for Merlin to come up. I looked around my room. It wasn't nearly as nice as Merlin's. His room was soft burgundy and cream, mine was stark white. Everything in Merlin's room looked as if it had just been thrown down but somehow it seemed elegant and planned. Mine just looked like I thrown things down everywhere (which I had but that's not the point). There were still three shirts out on my bed from Sunday morning when I was trying to decide what to wear to go and meet Merlin. I could still remember the twinkling lights in Merlin's room, like netting on the wall, like a spider's web. All I had was real spider's webs in the corners. Merlin's drawings were all over his walls, sketches of Lance and Morgan and Jen. Some of Guy doing his experiments; there was even one or two of abstract things. He made them out of carefully placed lines and different patterns of shading. I could picture his drawing of 'Passion' labelled neatly underneath, in my minds eye. There were lines in black ink criss-crossing right across the page. Over the top were two hands, clinging onto each other and an eye looming in at the top of the picture and a mouth, obviously half way through laughing towards the bottom. He was so creative and artistic. I had nothing on my walls but posters; they made me feel childish all of a sudden. I wanted to rip them down, but I refrained.

At that moment, Merlin wandered in. 'That was awkward' he announced, flopping gracefully onto the bed.

'I know' I shrugged.

I pulled his head onto my lap, so he was looking up at me. 'I really don't feel like going out,' he muttered.

'I was just thinking the same thing, but where is this place you are planning to take me to?' I said, pushing my fingers through his hair.

'Nowhere, I made it up. Your dad said that he wasn't coming back 'til eight. That's…' he counted in his head 'about thirteen hours'

'Speaking of my dad,' I began 'what the hell did you do to him?'

'What to you mean?' Merlin asked, sitting up and pursing his lips in a way that really made me want to kiss them.

'You know, he was all angry and annoyed and then suddenly he was calm and serene. That is not normal behaviour for him,'

'I just charmed him,' Merlin grinned. 'It's a useful skill, being charming. You should practise,' he said, nodding at me 'you are not talented at it,'

'Oh, and you are?' I asked, stretching out on the bed.

'You could say so' he chuckled.

'Fine,' I concluded. 'We'll stay here for today, but your place is much nicer,'

'Good,' Merlin said simply.

'So what are we going to do?' I asked, getting up.

Merlin stood up behind me and snaked his arms round my waist like a seat belt. He rested his chin on my shoulder; 'We could do something with this tip you call a room and then maybe, and I mean **maybe**, I will be willing to spend time with you in here.' I laughed and turned round in his arms so we were facing each other.

'I like that idea but…' I paused.

'But what?' Merlin asked, slightly annoyed.

'It's not a big thing, it's just…I haven't kissed you in about three-quarters of an hour, and I'm getting withdrawal symptoms.' I rested my forehead on Merlin's and felt his laugh on my skin.

'That is a good point,' he murmured. And then he kissed me. It didn't take long for me to realise that my knees were not working and I needed to get on the bed before I collapsed. Together, we tumbled onto the messy bed and got comfy for a proper making out session. I ran my hands through his hair and right down his back. He twisted the hair at the nape of my neck. After a while though, we just lay there, resting and feeling each other. I could hear his breathing and feel his heart beat. I tried to make mine thrum along to the same rhythm, so we were beating as one. And it was magic.

But soon we were clearing everything out of my room, all my junk was tipped out onto the landing, until we had a blank canvas. Then we sorted my stuff out into; College, Clothes, Books and Personal. I have to say that the college pile was quite small and the personal pile quite large.

'What's this?' Merlin asked, reaching towards a shoe box and lifting the lid.

'No!' I shouted, lunging across the piles of stuff to take the box out of his hands. 'That goes on the Personal pile.'

'But what is it?' he asked, rolling up some of my socks and tossing them onto the Clothes pile. 'You can tell me, whatever it is, it isn't as embarrassing as my drawings,'

'You're wrong there,' I muttered. 'They are my stories, my poems, my songs. And they are for my eyes only, sorry.'

'Aw, that's really cute Arthur,' Merlin grinned and continued to fold my socks while I buried the box in my Personal pile, which was turning out to be more of a tower. 'Please, will you read my one?'

'No' I said flatly.

'Please,'

'No'

'For me?'

I sighed, 'Fine!' and I tentatively opened the box.

My fingers surfed through everything very quickly until I landed upon one that I wasn't completely ashamed of admitting was mine.

"I have seen peace. I have seen pain,  
Resting on the shoulders of your name.  
Do you see the truth through all their lies?  
Do you see the world through troubled eyes?  
And if you want to talk about it anymore,  
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,  
I'm a friend.

I have seen birth. I have seen death.  
Lived to see a lover's final breath.  
Do you see my guilt? Should I feel a fright?  
Is the fire of hesitation burning bright?  
And if you want to talk about it once again,  
On you I depend. I'll cry on your shoulder.  
You're a friend.

You and I have lived through many things.  
I'll hold on to your heart.  
I wouldn't cry for anything,  
But don't go tearing your life apart.

I have seen fear. I have seen faith.  
Seen the look of anger on your face.  
And if you want to talk about what will be,  
Come and sit with me, and cry on my shoulder,  
I'm a friend.  
And if you want to talk about it anymore,  
Lie here on the floor and cry on my shoulder,  
Once again.  
Cry on my shoulder,  
I'm a friend."

I looked up at Merlin, tentatively. He was silent, lying on his back, looking up at the ceiling. After what felt like an age, he look at me with a slight frown creasing his porcelain skin; 'That… is quite possibly the most depressing thing I have ever heard.' He started laughing. I wasn't quite sure if he was laughing at me or not, so I remained silent. 'No, I'm not laughing at you, but I am curious. What made you write something like that?'

I shrugged. I tried to cast my mind back to when I wrote that; it took me a while but then it hit me. I could remember sitting in a corner, alone; just silently crying. I could remember holding the razor, and then the pen, and then the razor again.

I came back to the here and now and looked up, with a forced and most probably unconvincing smile on my face 'I can't remember. I must have been sad about something.' I cautiously put my hand on my forearm and moved onto other things. 'So, you're the artist, what are you going to do with my room,'

He lay back down on the floor. I wondered if he knew how stunning he looked from every angle. If he knew what an impression he had on me, just through little things he did like stretching his hands out or wrinkling up his face in thought. It was like I was under his spell or something; I couldn't stop looking at him, and when he was away from me, I couldn't stop thinking about him.

'Well, I have a few ideas, but I want it to be a surprise.' He looked up at me and grinned 'What about, we go and get some paint and a few things I am going to need, and then I will do this while you write some more songs and poems and stuff. I want to use them.'

'Ok? What sort of things do you want?' I asked, getting up.

'Anything.

'Well, I have a few ideas, but I want it to be a surprise.' He looked up at me and grinned 'What about, we go and get some paint and a few things I am going to need, and then I will do this while you write some more songs and poems and stuff. I want to use them.'

'Ok? What sort of things do you want?' I asked, getting up.

'Anything. I want some short things, like a few lines or something. And I want a really nice song; something with some beautiful lyrics. Oh, and I want a little passage of writing. Something that can move me,'

'You're not asking for much are you,' I raised an eyebrow.

'I know, but I know you can do it and I need it,' he replied simply, making his way through the pile of stuff and plopping down next to me.

'I don't think I can get all of that done today,' I replied, surreptitiously moving my arm out of sight.

'Yes you can,' he murmured, resting his head on my chest.

'Fine, so we'll go and get the stuff you need, we'll paint the walls, then I'll cook us some lunch and we can eat and let the paint dry a bit. Then we can move all of this junk back into my room. Then we've got the rest of the day because the paint has to dry. '

'Sounds good to me,' Merlin said, rolling onto his stomach. 'And you will have to sleep somewhere else tonight; you can't stay in that room with the paint fumes.'

'What are you suggesting?' I asked playfully.

'Well, Guy is on the night shift again tonight, and we could probably get Morgan and Jen and Lance there. Just the five of us, have a bit of a party?'

'Sounds good to me, and then they will all go home?' Merlin nodded 'And we will be alone?' he looked up and me and smiled.

So we got back into Merlin's car and drove into town, I had my arm round his waist the whole way there. Merlin chose the paint because he was in charge. I didn't complain about the colour choice, mainly because he wouldn't let me see it. he bought two large tins of paint for the walls and then several small tins of different colours. We came out of the paint shop and took the paint back to the car.

'Now,' Merlin said, authoritatively 'I am going to get some other stuff for your room, you are going to get some stuff for tonight. We want some beer, some crisps and some music,'

'Fine,' I grumbled. 'I wish I could come and see what you were getting for **my **room,' I teased before heading off in a different direction.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{

When we arrived back at my house Merlin took the secret things and put them in my wardrobe. He then opened the first can of paint. Warm cream. I was silent for a minute. 'Right? And the other?'

He opened the second big can and it was a rich aqua blue-green. It seemed somehow twelve year old girlish but also I seemed to really like it.

'That's really nice,' I said and he sighed with relief that I didn't hate it. 'Do I get to see the little ones?' I asked hopefully.

'No,' he said. I pouted. 'They are part of the surprise'

'Ok, so which paint on which walls?' I got up with the roller in my hand, ready to go.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{

Two and a half hours later, we had finished the walls, we stank of paint. Merlin had aqua paint on his hand and I had cream.

We had just finished, we put down the rollers and looked at each other. A devilish grin spread across both our faces at the same time. We ran across the room towards each other. Merlin ran his hand through my hair, turning it from blonde to aqua. I out a very accurate hand print on his cheek before he could stop me. We stopped for a minute, laughing and panting.

We looked down at ourselves, we were covered in paint, I could feel it seeping through my top and it was really cold and uncomfortable. 'Shower?' I asked.

Merlin nodded and we headed off to get clean.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}}{

I lay down on my back and looked around the room. It did look quite good. Merlin was really artistic. At that moment he got down beside me.

I propped myself up on one elbow and looked at him. 'I still have a problem,' I said, seriously.

'What's that?' Merlin asked, stroking my face with his paint free hand (I hope)

'We are going to have a party tonight, and Lance is going to be there. What if, what if he tries to get you back or he sees us together and gets jealous. What of everything falls apart?'

'It won't.' He said, comfortingly. 'He doesn't care about me anymore. I'll tell you something; I never broke up with Lance,'

'What?' I shouted. 'You never ended it with him!'

'Calm down' Merlin was still calm even though anger and hurt were flying through me. 'I never broke it off with Lance because he got there first,'

I fell silent and my blood pressure went back to normal. 'Pardon?' I whispered.

'He broke up with me before I got the chance to break up with him. He really doesn't care,'

'Oh. Oh,' was all I could say. 'But, I would like to make sure that you are mine,'

'What's that?' he asked amused.

I sat up and began to unfasten his shirt. I pulled off both his shirt and t-shirt. He was completely content, he put his hands behind his head and closed his eyes. I reached for the aqua paint and dabbed my fingers in it. I drew a line of paint right down his chest.

'That's really cold,' he mumbled.

'But it means that you are mine,'

'That's alright then. My turn,'

He pulled my shirt off and dipped one finger in the aqua paint and one in the cream. He began to draw line after line in each of the colours. When he had finished I went and looked in the mirror. It was a shooting star.

'It's..' was all I could get out.

'Sad, stupid, ridiculous, odd,'

'Incredible was what I was going for,' I answered.

'Right,' said Merlin briskly. 'Are we ever going to eat?'

'Oh, yeah,' we headed into the kitchen and I managed to make two portions of pasta without scolding myself. We sat in the living room eating and just looking at each other.

Merlin put down his fork and leaned forward to kiss my cheek. 'Ok, I'm going. I need to get some stuff sorted with Guy before tonight. I'll see you at the party.'

He took his bowl out to the kitchen and left, lingering for a second at the door.


	3. Coming Out

I left Arthur's house, with the beer, music and food on the passenger seat. I pulled up outside the house and sloped inside. Guy wasn't there. I found a note by the phone in the kitchen saying that he wouldn't be back until three. I had an hour and a half. I dumped the plastic bags in the kitchen and ran straight up to my room. I had to shut the door fast as I entered, because my room smelled of Arthur; and I didn't want that smell getting out of my room.

I glanced over at the bed, still unmade from where we had left it this morning. Arthur had been in that bed. I took a flying leap onto the mattress and spent a few, glorious minutes wrapping myself in the quilt and breathing in the scent.

After I had finished making my nest, I moved over to the desk. I took out a fresh piece of paper and a pencil, and began drawing designs for Arthur's room. It was going to look good if it took the entire half term to do. I tried drawing a mask. I tried drawing a candle. I even tried drawing Arthur. None of it worked. I spent ages drawing different motifs; some of them simply made up of lines and words. It didn't fit very well. So I left it for the time being and set about drawing Arthur, for the growing collection on my wall. But that didn't work either; I needed him in front of me so I could get a proper likeness. Since I couldn't get his face very well, I decided to draw Prince Arthur of Camelot. That way I could say it was Arthur but he would have too much armour on for anybody to tell. I gave him chainmail, a helmet, gauntlets, and a sword held above his head. He was on a horse, which was rearing up and there was beast moving forward from the side of the page.

I thought it looked quite good, and I knew Arthur would appreciate it and say it was 'novel'. There was a large, blank gap on the page. So I drew myself as Merlin the Mighty Warlock, casting a spell. I know it's sad. But it kept me amused for an hour or so.

Suddenly, through the quiet, I heard the door open. 'Merlin,' Guy called from downstairs.

'Coming' I called, I finished shading in the beast, gave it a title and ambled downstairs.

'Merlin,' Guy sighed 'what's this I hear about you having a party tonight?'

'Where did you hear that?' I asked, intrigued.

'I've just seen Morgan at the bus stop. She said she was looking forward to tonight and did you know anything about it?'

'Ah,' I said, cornered. 'Yes, well, I was going to tell you.' Guy frowned again 'Ask you,' I corrected 'I was going to ask you but you weren't here and then I was at Arthur's and you were here. And then I came back and you weren't here. So, as I said I would, I am asking you as soon as I see you. Even though you already know what O am about to ask you,'

'What?' Guy asked, thoroughly confused.

'So is that a yes?' I asked quickly, while he still hadn't understood the last thing I said.

'Go on then, why not. You have been good recently after all,' the smile was back on his wrinkled face and I knew I had won.

'Thanks,' I blurted out, before running back upstairs.

{}{}{}{}}}{}{}{}}{}{}

At about eight o'clock, Guy was out of the house at a friends and I was just putting out the food and drink. I had half an hour until they arrived in order to get changed. However, just as I was working out how much time I had, the doorbell rang. When I answered it, I found Arthur stood on the doorstep and looking around nervously.

'Hey,' he said simply, before moving into the living room.

'Hey?' I replied following him.

'You are going to change, aren't you? You're still covered in paint,' he asked.

I glanced down. Oh, yeah. That was what I had left to do. I looked up at him and took his hand. 'You can help me chose my clothes,' I murmured before leading him up to my room.

'What are all these?' Arthur asked, gesturing at all of my drawings which were scattered across the floor and congregating at the waste paper bin.

'Drawings' I said, offhandedly. 'I was trying stuff out for you room,'

Arthur picked up one or two. 'Decided on anything?' he asked, curiously.

'Even if I had, I wouldn't tell you what it was,' I teased in a sing-song voice. 'Now, what am I going to wear?'

'What you wear every day?' Arthur suggested, sitting in my chair. 'Jeans, a white T-shirt, a shirt over the top,'

'Yeah, I suppose. But, today, I might go for a cardigan?'

'No' Arthur replied. 'It wouldn't suit you,'

'Shirt it is then,' I confirmed; pulling off my paint covered shirt and t-shirt and pulling on a clean set.

'Your jeans need changing too,' Arthur noted, while still perusing my drawings.

I sighed, before changing them too. 'Now,' I said, taking charge. 'It is 8:20. And nobody is going to be here for ten minutes,' I took hold of his hand and pulled him to his feet before wrapping my arms round him and standing on tip-toes for a quick kiss. 'What are we going to do for ten,' kiss 'whole' kiss 'minutes?' kiss.

'Well,' Arthur looked at something on the wall above my head and crinkled his forehead in mock puzzlement 'I have an idea,' he smiled and dragged me downstairs to the sofa in the living room.

We were in the middle of a very cosy moment, him lying on his back on the sofa and me lying next to him with my head on his chest, when he asked 'how do you do it?'

I sat up, looking bemused 'Excuse me?'

'How do you come out?'

I breathed out noisily. 'I'm not sure myself. Lance told Morgan about the two of us,' his face fell at the mention of said previous boyfriend 'and Guy, well, he had a hunch for ages. It wasn't really a coming out as a finally opening the closet door after he's been stood there waiting for a while,'

Arthur messed with my hair. 'So how are we going to do it?' he asked, quietly.

'I'll think of something' I said, comfortingly and moved in for a kiss. Suddenly, there was a key in the lock and I heard people coming. It was Morgan, Jen and Lance. I could have pulled away. I could have got up and pretended to be coming out of the kitchen, but I didn't. This would be the easiest way; if they just walked in on us,'

'Merlin? Arthur?' came Jen from the hall.

'They'll be in the living room,' Lance said quietly.

The door opened. Three people stopped breathing. Arthur saw them and pulled away from me, looking appalled.

'What the?' was all Jen could manage.

'You, and him?' from Lance.

'Aw! I knew you two would be good together!' squealed Morgan, running over to hug each of us.

We got up from the sofa and stood facing the others. After a moment I took Arthur's hand. I looked down, then looked up with a forced smile. 'Yeah, we are going out,'

'Oh! I am so happy for you two!' Jen beamed.

'Ok, what are we doing tonight?' Morgan clapped her hands in a business like way.

'Erm, we have music, food, drink, what do you want to do?'

"Well, I brought some DVDs, I brought 'Fame' and 'Dirty Dancing'" Jen rooted through her bag.

'Eugh! Not dirty dancing, please!' Lance pulled a face and sat down in the armchair. 'What about 'King Arthur' since we now have Merlin _and_ Arthur?'

'Oh yes!' Jen replied. Morgan knelt in front of our small DVD collection and scanned it for King Arthur.

'Very appropriate,' Arthur muttered in my ear.

'Yeah,' I muttered back.

We turned the lights off, cracked open the beer and crisps and each found a place to sit and watch the film. Lance sat in the armchair, looking broodingly at the screen. Jen is perched on a cushion in front of the fireplace to keep warm. Morgan unceremoniously took the seat next to Arthur on the sofa. I sat on the floor, Arthur opened his legs into a V shape and I sat between them. All through the film I could constantly feel Lance's eyes on me, before they darted away again; but I tried not to think about it. After all, he had said that he didn't want me. And now I had found somebody that I loved more and who loved me in return.

I could feel the warmth of Arthur's skin through his jeans. I could also feel his fingers as they ran through my hair, leaving it standing on end and occasionally on the back of my neck. He took to drawing patterns there which made my skin tingle. I loved it.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

'Bye Morgan,' Arthur and I said together from our place on the doorstep, arms wrapped firmly around each other and hands buried deep in the other's jean back pocket.

'Bye Merlin, bye Arthur,' she called as she got into her dad's car and it pulled away. Arthur reached and closed the door.

'That wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it might have been,' Arthur commented cheerily. 'I mean, Morgan and Jen were both fine with it, and Lance was…well he was Lance really,'

I forced a laugh and locked the door.

'Guy isn't coming back until half twelve. We have an hour.'

Arthur feigned yawning 'You know what Merlin?' I smiled at him and climbed onto his lap on the sofa. 'I'm so tired, I think I need an early night,' he winked.

'I was thinking the same thing,' I murmured. We remained on the sofa for a few minutes more, and by the time we were heading up the stairs neither of us had a shirt on. Arthur was tracing the line of the paint down my chest. Then, suddenly, he picked me up like a little child and carried me up to my room. The bed was warm and comfortable. And Arthur was beside me. He made everything so intensified that the bed felt ten times warmer than it actually was. When we had finished, and we lay side by side under the quilt I kissed his shoulder. He put his arm round me and whispered 'One more person to tell. Then all of this is out of the way,' he kissed me on the head and fell asleep.

I, however, lay awake for a while trying to think. I don't think my 'charm' would work on Arthur's farther a second time. Especially if I told him I was dating his son. He didn't seem like the type of man to understand things like that, like this, like us.


	4. Blades

**Arthur's POV**

The rest of that week was spent in the company of Merlin and no one else. We were at my house every day. I was sat on the landing with a pad of paper and pen, I was tapping it against my knee. I need inspiration; but the only inspiration I had was Merlin. That wouldn't do if he wanted something like the song he read before. If it were possible, I was too happy to write. Merlin was working with my room. He appeared about once an hour to see how I was doing, and to give me a kiss. Each time he came out he had a different colour paint on his fingers, which he then left on my cheek.

By Wednesday, I had finally finished the song.

How long have I been in this storm?  
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form  
Water's getting harder to tread  
With these waves crashing over my head

If I could just see you  
Everything would be all right  
If I'd see you  
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water  
And you will catch me if I fall  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
I know everything will be alright  
I know everything is alright

I know you didn't bring me out here to drown  
So why am I ten feet under and upside down  
Barely surviving has become my purpose  
Cause I'm so used to living underneath the surface

If I could just see you  
Everything would be all right  
If I'd see you  
This darkness would turn to light

And I will walk on water  
And you will catch me if I fall  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
And everything will be alright

And I will walk on water  
You will catch me if I fall  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
I know everything will be alright  
I know everything is alright  
Everything is alright.

I watched as Merlin's eyes scanned the page from left to right. He pulled a huge variety of expressions as he read it which didn't give me much confidence. It wasn't a very long song. Why was he taking this long to read it? Eventually, he looked away from the song.

'Perfect,' he breathed. He bent down to kiss my cheek then disappeared back into my room, shutting the door behind him.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Writing that song took everything out of me. I had to send my mind back into the state it was in last year. All of the black shadows crept back into mind; all of the pain and anger and hurt. I watched as my hands started to shake in front of me. They shook and convulsed. But then they stopped. The shadows faded away and the words left my mind. I was going numb. The pain went away, but I didn't want it to. And if I couldn't feel pain inside my mind, I would have to feel it outside my body. Again.

I slipped into the bathroom, shutting the door but not locking it. I pulled my shirt off and looked down at my forearm. It still had the bandage on it from the last time, about four months ago. Before I came here. I untied the knot and unwrapped the bandage. It was thick, with layers and layers of it built up on my arm.

I dropped the bandage onto the floor where it curled and lay limp. I pressed my finger into the scar still very much visible on my arm. There were two, one was fainter than the other. I left the faint one, I concentrated on the deep one. Reaching for my razor I ran my finger tip over the blades. The razor turned towards my arm. The cool metal blades met with my skin, just resting on the surface. And then they were no longer resting. The blades slit open my skin and the flesh pealed back.

I felt the blood trickle down my arm. The pain was murder. The pain was good. I threw my head back against the wall and banged it again and again.

{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}

Merlin must have heard me. He put down his brush and came looking for me. I heard him over the rushing sound going threw my own ears. 'Arthur?' he called. 'Arthur, where are you?'

I didn't respond. I heard him looking through each of the rooms on the landing, heading towards the bathroom at the end of it. I didn't want him to see me like this, it would drive him away. But I also did want him to see me so he could help me.

I let him get closer and closer and closer. Until finally, he was knocking on the door. 'Arthur, are you in there?' I said nothing 'Arthur? If you don't answer I'm coming in,'

I wanted to say something but my throat was dry. Or at least, that's what I told myself.

The door swung open and Merlin froze in the doorway. Horror on his face. 'Arthur? What the hell are you doing?' the razor slipped from my fingers and I let it clatter to the floor. This was deeper than I had every gone before. My head felt heavy from loss of blood. I let my eyes close. I fell into the blackness.

**BTW the song before was cry by James blunt and this one is Storm by Lifehouse. I am aware that it doesn't look that good on paper. But if you listen to it hopefull you will see what I am getting at. Just youtube: storm lifehouse**


	5. Waiting Room

**Merlin's Pov**

The sight of him, lying on the floor, the razor in his hand. The flesh torn open, his eyes rolled back; the blood seeping down his arm. It was forming a pool on the floor. The razor slipped from his limp fingers and it clattered to the floor. The blood was so red. So thick and heavy. It took me a moment of just looking before I registered what was happening. The worst bit was the blood spreading over the skin like ink on a tissue where it spreads in less than a second. It was just staying there, on top of his skin. It looked like flowers round the edge of the cut. Blood flowers.

Once I was over the first shock, I realised I had to help him. 'Arthur?' I called, loudly 'Arthur? Can you hear me?' there was no response 'Arthur, if you can hear me then move, do something so I know you can hear me,' Nothing.

I knelt down on the floor next to him and felt his pulse. It was slow. I counted my pulse for 15 seconds; 21. I counted Arthur's for fifteen seconds; 13. There wasn't anything I could do. I couldn't help him. I got up and left him in the bathroom, I somehow managed to get down the stairs and pick up the phone with my trembling hands and dialled Guy's mobile number. I could hear the other end ringing, why wouldn't they answer? After what seemed like an age, the person on the other end answered the phone.

'Hello?'

'Hi,' I said wildly. 'Hi Guy. It's me. Merlin,'

'Merlin, what do you want? I'm busy, working,' he snapped.

'Guy, listen!' I shouted. Somehow I needed him to understand how important this was. It only just occurred to me that I was pacing up and down the hall 'Guy, Arthur is hurt. There's a-' I swallowed 'There's a great big gash down his arm. He's bleeding a lot. I've checked his heart beat and it was 13 beats in fifteen seconds. 52 beats a minute,'

There was nothing at the other end of the line. I knew he was still there, I could hear him shouting at someone with his hand over the speaker. But every second that he waited was a second wasted. I ran my hand through my hair backwards then forwards before dragging it down my face in frustration.

'Guy, do I need an ambulance?'

'Yes,' the words hit me like a blade. 'Don't worry Merlin. I'm getting into the ambulance as we speak. You are at Arthur's house aren't you?'

'Yes.'

'We are on our way,' and he hung up instantly. I dropped the phone from where I stood, halfway down the hall and ran back up the stairs. I pelted into the bathroom to Arthur and got down on the floor beside him again. I scrabbled for a moment on the floor until I managed to get under his good arm. I pulled it round me for comfort and leant on his shoulder. Silent tears fell from my eyes. What was going to happen now?

Not nearly soon enough, the ambulance arrived and I heard Guy opening the door and shouting.

'Merlin?'

'Guy! Guy he's up here. Upstairs!' I shouted though my voice was hoarse. I heard the thunder of many pairs of boots coming up the stairs. Suddenly there were men all around me, the pulled me away from Arthur but I fought against them like a child. I wanted to be near to him. I needed to be near to him.

There pulled his limp form onto a stretcher and carried him away. I followed them down the stairs and out of the door. I stood and watched as they skilfully loaded him into the ambulance. Then I climbed in, Arthur wasn't going anywhere without me.

There was hardly any room for me; people were pushing past the whole time and checking different things; measuring his pulse every minute. They didn't care that I was there, I kept out of their way tough I really wanted to hold Arthur's hand and cling onto him like you see in films. But that isn't practical.

When we got to the hospital I followed him through door after door until he was taken directly into surgery and I was left outside. 'Guy, what are they going to do?' I asked desperately. 'What's going to happen?'

'It's not 'they' it's me. Calm down Merlin. We are going to save him.'

'Guy,'

He turned back from the door.

'Look…look after him.' I said quietly.

'Don't worry Merlin. He will be fine. Go and clean yourself up and he should be out of here in half an hour or so,' he turned and went into the theatre.

It was only at this point that I realised that I was covered in blood. Not any blood; Arthur's blood. It smelt of that warm, pain that blood always smells like. And I was covered in it. My jeans were soaked and a dark red colour; it had dried on my hands. My shirt also had splatters on it. I ran through the hospital following signs for the loos. I stared into the mirror; there was a red smudge on my forehead. It had seeped into my hair…how had that happened? Then it hit me, I ran my hand through my hair as I rang Guy. I had to get it off me. I ran the hot tap in the sink and scrubbed and scrubbed at my hands with the soap. But it didn't work. It just turned the soap a disgusting colour as the blood spread and spread. There was no way of getting it off me.

A male nurse came in, used a cubicle and then stood at the sink with me. He glanced at me, up and down. 'You're a bit…' was all he managed to say. Did he think I didn't know?

'I noticed,' I said in a hoarse voice.

'I have a change of clothes if you want them?' he offered kindly.

I looked up and smiled; 'Thank you,' I said. And I meant it. In half an hour's time I was in a hoodie and a pair of slightly too big jeans; they were more Arthur's size than mine. But I was comfortable and although I could still feel the blood on my skin and in my hair, I at least couldn't smell it any more and it wasn't soaking into my clothes.

I sat on an uncomfortable seat in the reception, staring at my fingers tied together, then my shoes, then across the room. At the desk there was a receptionist with dyed blonder hair and a face orange with foundation. Her lashes were like spiders legs from the amount of mascara she had clogged them up with. She kept looking over at me from time to time; probably because I still had the stain of blood on my face and hands; my hair was still on end with blood in it. The only was to get it off was to have a shower and that would involve leaving Arthur. I wasn't going to do that until I had seen him and spoken to him.

Suddenly; three people came rushing through the doors and straight over to reception without noticing me. There was a short girl with curly black hair who asked a lot of questions very fast at the bewildered receptionist. The second was a tall guy with in tight jeans and brown hair. He had his arm round the first girl and was repeating what she kept saying. The third was a tall, regal girl with dark hair to quieted the others and took control. I knew they were my friends and I was glad that they were here. But I also didn't want them to see me. Morgan's voice was louder and more commanding than the others; I could tell that even from the other side of the large, white reception.

'Guys, I'll handle this. We are here to see Arthur Pendragon; he was brought here in an ambulance about three quarters of an hour ago. Is he still in surgery or can we see him?'

'He is still in surgery Miss,' the receptionist replied in the affected way she had being polite but making it quite clear that she didn't want to be, 'If you take a seat we will let you know when he can have visitors. You can wait with him over there,' she pointed at me. They all turned round.

'Merlin?' Jen called. I looked up as if I hadn't noticed them.

'Merlin,' Lance repeated. The three of them came over to me.

From the looks on their faces I was a real mess. 'Hi guys,' I said, as cheerfully as possible. Morgan sat next to me and Lance the other side. Jen sat the other side of him.

'Merlin, what has happened? I just got a text from Guy saying he was in the ambulance on the way to get Arthur because he was hurt and to get here as fast as possible. What happened?' Morgan demanded.

'We…we where at Arthur's,' I began, my voice still hoarse 'one minute we were fine and then I went back into his room. I'm…I'm re-doing it for him. When I came out he was gone. I looked all round the house for him and I found him,' my hands shook in front of me; I couldn't look any of them in the eye, just stared at my trembling fingers 'he was in the bathroom with a razor in his hand and a cut in his arm. He collapsed…and it's my fault,'

Lance put his arm round me and quieted the other two. 'How is it your fault?'

'I asked him to write something for me. I found all of these things he had written and I wanted one for his wall. I didn't know he was going to go and do that though,'

'Shh,' Lance whispered.

Thankfully, at that point the receptionist came over; 'You can see him now, I'll take you,' I looked up and dried my eyes and tried to stop my hands from shaking before I saw him.


	6. The Artist's Creation

When I opened my eyes I blearily looked around me. But I wasn't in the bathroom and Merlin wasn't stood in the doorway. Where was he? I could tell from the uncomfortable bed and stark whiteness of the room that I was in hospital. But I thought Merlin would be here. I slumped back on my pillows sulkily and examined my arm which was wrapped in bandages. Through the fabric I could feel the stitches and the torn skin. It wasn't anything new. I had been in hospital for this twice before and sliced my arm open more times than I can count.

I heard the door creak open and suddenly Morgan rushed to my bedside. 'Arthur! How stupid can you get?' she almost shouted.

'Morgan calm down,' Lance said from behind her but she was on a roll now.

'You put a razor blade into your arm!' she shook my shoulders 'You stupid, stupid boy!'

'Morgan! Calm down!' Jen called from the end of the bed.

'Don't you realize that could have killed you?'

'Morgan!' Jen shouted authoritatively. Lance was watching Jen's every move from where he stood beside her.

'What?' she yelled back.

'Before you came crashing in here I was going to suggest we waited outside. Merlin hasn't even seen Arthur yet and you've already traumatized him,'

'You're…you're right,' Morgan said quietly, calming down. 'Sorry Arthur. We'll go and leave you two together,'

Lance glanced at his watch. 'Actually, there's only half an hour of visiting time left so we'll have to leave,' he announced before coming up to me. 'I'm glad you're alright mate, see you soon.' He muttered quietly before leaving with Jen. Morgan hovered for a minute or two.

'I haven't finished with you yet,' she said threateningly.

'Morgan come on,' Jen called from outside.

My attention turned for the first time to Merlin. He was sat in a chair right by my bed. He looked at me and smiled but I could tell there was a hint of sadness there. 'Hey,' I said lightly. 'How are you?'

'Dirty, stinking, still covered in your blood,' I blanched 'worried, tearful, scared, upset, horrified, shocked…thankful, relieved and pleased to see you,'

'That's um, that's a long list,' I replied.

'Yeah,' Merlin nodded. 'How are you though?'

'Fine,' I shrugged.

'Good,' Merlin smiled. He leaned forward and kissed my forehead and then sat back down taking my hand in both of his. 'But what I want to know is how could you do it? And why did you do it?'

I sighed, I knew this was coming at one point but I didn't think it would be so soon. 'It wasn't like I hadn't done it before,' I started.

'I know that. I saw your other scar. Is that why you always wear long sleeved tops even in Summer?'

'Yeah,' I conceded. 'Well, I used to cut myself quite a lot at my old school. I was just…sad and lonely and I lived my life in darkness. And that was when I would write my songs and those things you loved.'

'So why did you cut yourself this time?' he asked.

It was easy to tell Merlin this, he just sat there and listened. He didn't judge me. He just loved me and wanted to know how to help me. So that made it easier. 'You wanted a new song. I had to get back to that place in my head before anything would come out. I did try. I thought I could write something without unlocking all of that darkness. But it was all crap. It wasn't good enough. It had to be perfect.'

'Arthur,' Merlin said shaking his head.

'I know it was stupid but it happened so that's it really,'

'That's it? Arthur your blood made a pool on the bathroom floor. I was covered in it and it's still in my hair and on my face. That is not it,'

'You know, my harming is the reason we moved in the first place. We thought a fresh start would be good for us. And if I could do it all over again I would do the same thing because that is what brought me here. To you,'

'Arthur,' Merlin said again.

'Look. I'm sorry that I did this to you, but you can't go back in time and not make me do it so let's move on.'

'But what if you do it again?'

'I won't because I love you too much to bring you back here and put you through this again,'

'How can I be sure of that? I don't want to see you back here again.'

'Because…because I love you.'

'You've said that already,'

'No I mean…I really love you. Heart and soul and body and spirit. I love you Merlin Emrys. And nothing or nobody can stop me saying it,'

Merlin blushed. 'Really? Really and truly?' I nodded. 'I love you too. There's not one thing about you I don't like. I talk about you to Guy all the time and if he's had enough I talk to myself or draw you or something. You're always on my mind. You're everything to me,'

I couldn't keep the smile off my face any longer and neither could Merlin.

* * *

It took six weeks to get me out of hospital. Merlin visited me every day. Morgan, Lance and Gwen came a lot too. My father came, but he didn't stay long. He asked me if this meant we had to move again and my answering 'No' was so vehement that he actually flinched. I couldn't leave, that would mean leaving Merlin.

During my time of absence Merlin brought my books and work to the hospital every night, however, I was felt handed and I had cut my left arm so I couldn't write. Merlin wrote it all for me which meant that I know have about twenty pages in each book of neat, clear, presentable work. It contrasted so much with my scribble that teachers asked me what had happened when I got back to school. They all seemed to think that I now had beautiful handwriting but I soon set them straight on that with my first assignment.

The first night I got home dad was away on business again. I didn't care though. Merlin drove me home and opened the door for me. Once out of the car I noticed the biting cold, winter had set in while I was away. Merlin and I both stood in the doorway, inches from each other. 'It's been so long,' I breathed on Merlin's neck.

'I know,' Merlin whispered back, nuzzling into my neck. I slipped the key into the door, turned it and we both fell through the threshold.

We didn't bother turning lights on as we somehow made our way up the stairs. I kissed Merlin again and again; devouring his neck. I rested my hands lightly on his hips and walked and walked us both backwards until I rested against my bedroom door. 'We are all alone for two whole days. It's Friday night, we have all of tomorrow and up until Sunday evening. I wonder how many things we can think of to do in that time,' Merlin grinned and kissed the tip of my nose.

I reached behind me for the door handle but Merlin's hand rested on mine and stopped me from opening it. 'No,' he said stubbornly, yet playfully. 'No, you can't go in there just yet,'

'Why not?' I asked.

'Because you haven't seen it yet,' I looked up from Merlin's lips to his eyes which were bright with excitement. 'It's finished. It's my best work yet,' he whispered.

'Fine,' I submitted, moving away from the door. I watched Merlin slip inside and shouted 'be quick' before the door snapped shut. I heard Merlin running up and down the room, then pacing around.

'Perfect' I heard him say to himself. I loved how artistic Merlin was. Merlin soon arrived back on the landing, holding a neckerchief in his hand and a smile on his face. 'You are going to love it,' I moved forward kissed him again. 'Turn around' he said. I did as instructed and stood there while he tied the neckerchief across my eyes. Merlin lead me by the hand right into the middle of my room. I heard the door snap shut behind us and then I felt Merlin press a kiss to my lips. 'Ready?' he whispered, an inch from my ear.

'Y-yeah,' I nodded.

He pulled the neckerchief off and stood back, proud. I stood in amazement at the room all around me. Two walls were cream and two were the aqua blue-green colour. There was a net of tiny lights cascading down one corner like a water fall. The bed was white with a white duvet covered in embroidery the same blue as the walls. The curtains were the same fabric. On one wall there was a painting of two hands holding onto each other. On another wall, Merlin had painstakingly painted the lyrics of my song; How long have I been in this storm?...Why and I ten feet under and upside down…And I will walk on water…Everything's alright.

Above my desk on the wall words had been painted: Beauty. Love. Truth. Pain. Freedom. Hold Me. Quiet. Tears. Kiss.

I ran my fingers over the letters. In a frame on the wall was a sketch of me and Merlin holding hands.

'It's alright. Isn't it?' Merlin asked.

'It's beautiful,' I replied, still in awe at the amount of work he had done. 'I love everything, and I love the picture of us the best,'

Merlin rested his hands on my hips as I had done and walked us backwards, as I had done. 'Do you know my favourite part?' he asked playfully. He sat down on my bed and pressed his forehead to my chest.

'No?' I kissed the top of his head.

'This part' he whispered into my abdomen. He stripped my shirt from my back and pulled me closer than I thought possible. In the end I had to climb up onto his lap but I didn't mind.

* * *

It was Sunday afternoon. We had spent nearly two day in complete bliss. We had watched a film on the sofa sat so closely together that my breath shifted Merlin's hair. We had showered together twice which; two of the best showers of my life. We had slept together…three times in two days. And somehow the rest of the time had danced past us; lost in moments of staring at each other or lying together and staring at the ceiling. It was beautiful. There was nothing I didn't like about Merlin, nothing.

When the sun set on the Sunday evening Merlin said he had to go. He needed to be away from the house before Dad got back. Together we slung all of his things into his bag except his checked. 'Give it to me,' Merlin had said, trying to be authoritative. He failed.

'No,' I said with puppy dog eyes. 'Can't I keep it? I need to keep the smell of you,' I pleaded.

'Fine. But then I get yours,' he threatened.

'That's fine,' I said easily, pulling off my shirt and throwing it at him. 'In fact, take my jeans as well,' I pulled them off and chucked them at him too.

'What am I going to do with these?' Merlin asked, incredulous.

'Dunno, I just wanted to say that you had got me down to my pants four times in one weekend' I laughed.

'Bitch!' Merlin squeaked before laughing and running down the stairs. I followed him, in just my boxers to the door. He stood on the doorstep with the door open and turned to kiss me. He wrapped his arms round me neck and let me shiver into his chest because it was cold. 'Bye,' he murmured.

'Bye,' I muttered back. I kissed him quickly one last time before watching him turn and leave. 'See you tomorrow,' I called. 'At college,'

'See you,' Merlin called and hurried away. The car at the end of my drive, that I thought was waiting in traffic, suddenly revved and turned into my drive.

It screeched to a halt. Shit. Dad got out and slammed the door shut behind him. Fury was burning in his eyes and his fists were clenched and shaking. He stormed through the door, dropped his brief case and marched into the living room where he stood still, waiting. I closed the door as slowly as humanly possible and then turned and followed him into the living room. I faced in, dressed only in my boxers, with my chin out. I was ready.


	7. A Father's Fury

'What do you think you are doing?' he asked me, I could see him trying to keep calm.

I shrugged indifferently; 'Saying goodbye to my boyfriend'

He physically flinched at the word. It gave me a guilty sort of pleasure. 'No Arthur. You can't have a boyfriend.'

'Oh really?' I said in mock shock. 'Well, it seems like I _can _have a boyfriend because I _do_ have a boyfriend.' I would have put my hands in my pockets which I am aware my father hates, but that was not possible in my present attire.

'No…No you can't have a boyfriend because that would mean that you are gay,'

I forced a laugh. 'Well then I guess that means I am gay doesn't it? Night dad…'

I turned to leave. I really hoped he would let this go for tonight. I had been so happy and I didn't want Dad's prejudice to ruin that.

'Arthur Pendragon get back here and face me!' Dad shouted. He wasn't going to let this go.

'What?' I shouted back, turning back towards him. 'What do you want from me?'

Dad's fist came flying out of nowhere and connected with my jaw. I staggered backwards. He walked towards me and thumped me in the stomach. I doubled over in pain and remained on the floor nursing my stomach. I looked up at my father with hatred in my eyes. I fully intended to stand up and hit him. I was about to, I wanted to. But then I heard Merlin's voice inside my head; 'Don't do it. You have a father, and I don't. Don't destroy that,'

I nodded to myself and stood up. 'Hit me,' I said to him in a monotone voice. Uther looked confused. 'Come on. I know you want to. Hit me. Try and hit the gay out of me,'

He stepped forward. And he did it. He hit me. His fist connected to my shoulder, chest, stomach and back. My body screamed in pain but I remained standing upright and not letting any pain cross my face.

When he had finished he stood directly in front of me, panting and out of breath. 'If you are gay then you are no son of mine. That witch of a boy has poisoned you. He is not to walk through that door again,' he said, pointing to the front door.

I looked directly into his eyes for the first time and spoke with confidence in my voice. 'Fine.' I said 'Then watch me walk out of it,'


	8. Protection

When I got home I ran straight up to my room and tipped everything out of my bag on my bed. I searched round until I found Arthur's checked shirt and his jeans. I pulled a hanger out of my wardrobe and hung the clothes up; I was going to wear them to college tomorrow.

I had tidied everything away when I heard the door open. 'Guy?' I called before running back down the stairs. Guy stood in the doorway. 'Hey, how's your weekend been?'

'Lonely,' Guy replied, before hugging me and laughing his old man's laugh.

'We had the perfect weekend. Uther was away, we had all day every day together. He loved his room and I am so proud of it! Guy, I think he really loves me. The way I love him,'

'I am so pleased for you Merlin. Come and have some supper. It's been cooking all afternoon,' Guy said, guiding me into the kitchen. Supper was good, and we laughed all the way through it. But suddenly there was a knock at the door. 'Who could that be?'

'I don't know,' I said, getting to my feet. 'You're not expecting anybody are you?'

Guy shook his head. I got to the door and opened it. To my surprise Arthur stood on the doorstep dressed in a pair of trainers and the boxers I had left him in.

'Arthur?' I breathed. I stepped to the side to let him in.

'I need some help,' he said quietly.

'Of course!' I said sweetly 'You haven't cut yourself again have you?' Arthur shook his head. I put my head round the kitchen door. 'Guy it's Arthur, I'm gonna go upstairs with him,' I said with wide eyes. He nodded to show he understood that something was wrong.

'Thanks for helping me,' Arthur muttered.

'Not a problem,' I said, putting my arm round him and guiding him up the stairs. 'Let's get some clothes on you,' When we were up in my room Arthur sank onto my bed.

I opened the wardrobe and began skimming through my clothes until I found Arthur's shirt and jeans for him. When I turned round with them I dropped them. In the twenty seconds since I had last seen him bruises had blossomed all over his skin like roses, beautiful from a distance but when you got close they hurt. Arthur looked self-conscious.

I couldn't find enough breath to ask what happened. 'I look ugly,' Arthur said to himself.

'No. No you don't, you could never look ugly.' I moved across the room in three strides and put my arms round him. 'Come here,' I murmured into Arthur's hair. This didn't feel normal. I got on top of the covers of my bed and sat propped up by the corner of the wall. 'Come here' I said again. Arthur curled up beside me, with my arms round him. He was lying on my side, his hands resting on my chest. This really wasn't normal. Arthur was the protective one. I lay in his arms, not the other way around. I wasn't really big enough to have Arthur lie on me, he was a bear of a man with muscles and strength. I was the slight little boy who huddled under his shadow.

But I really liked it this way round. I understood why Arthur liked me lying on him now. I could feel every part of Arthur's body and I could feel the musty air in the very small gaps between us.

An hour or so passed. Arthur's bruises got darker and darker. He had a black eye. I could see the imprint of a fist on his side; I could see a foot print on his back.

'Arthur,' I whispered.

'Mmnph,' came the gruff noise from somewhere around my midriff.

'Arthur, do you want to tell me what happened yet?' I kissed the top of his head.

'Mmnph.' He groaned again; rolling onto his side.

'You don't have to,' I said quickly.

'No. You should know,' he said hoarsely. 'Dad saw us kissing goodbye,'

My stomach plummeted. 'Oh,' I said shortly.

'Yeah. And then he got really angry. He wouldn't admit that I was gay; I wound him up a bit too far and he hit me.'

'This doesn't look like one hit Arthur. It looks like he kicked you down the stairs.'

'Well,' Arthur shifted a little stiffly, pain flashed across his face for a second and then he was fine again. 'I was on the floor, and I was going to hit back. I was going to fight him; but then I heard your voice in my head. So I stood there and let him hit me some more.'

'Why did you do that?' I asked. 'Why did you let him hit you? Why do that to yourself?'

'You've changed me. I'm a different person now. I don't want to fight him,'

'But I don't want you getting hurt,' I whispered.

'Well, Dad said that you were never to walk through our front door again. So I walked out of it,'

'Arthur,' I sighed. 'I knew this was going to happen at some point but I didn't know you were going to leave your house,'

'What else could I do?' He asked. 'Now let me go to sleep,'

I checked my watch. It was half past seven; but I was tired and clearly Arthur just wanted to lie here. I pushed him onto his back and climbed up to get the light switch. Once in the dark I pulled off my clothes, down to my boxers and climbed back in beside him. I felt Arthur wind his arms round me and felt them shaking.

'Shhh. I'm here,' I whispered. And I was.

* * *

The next day at school Arthur had no books; he hadn't brought anything with him. He was wearing the clothes I had taken with me the other night. He kept his head down and didn't make eye contact with anybody except me. He could feel people staring at him, at his back eye and his limp. I took hold of his hand and squeezed it. And that helped him get through the day.

* * *

That evening we drove to Arthur's house. There was no car in the driveway so Arthur slipped in using the spare key in the flowerpot. He ran upstairs, grabbed a bag and we both shoved bundles of clothes into it. 'I'm grabbing some shoes,' he muttered, moving down the stairs. I collected his school books and some things from his bathroom. I put his phone, iPod and a handful of other things in my pocket. But then I heard the door open and shut and silence from downstairs. Had Arthur gone out or had someone come in?

Then I heard Uther from downstairs; 'Is he here?' No audible response from Arthur but I guess he nodded because Uther came marching up the stairs and into Arthur's room. He grabbed my by the upper arm and pulled me off the floor, so I was inches from his face. 'You are a disgusting little witch' he spat at me.

Arthur was in through the door in a flash. He wrestled me away from Uther and stood behind me, with a hand on my shoulder protectively. 'Dad, don't you dare blame Merlin for my being gay. You can either accept it or you can kick me out. But whatever you choose you do **not **hurt Merlin.'

Uther backed away and stared at the floor. 'Get out' he said very quietly.

'When you are ready to apologise to both of us we will be at Merlin's house,' Arthur said in his regal voice that makes me think he should be a prince. He then put his arm round my waist and walked me out of the room

Arthur drove us back to my house; 'This can't go on forever,' I said thickly. 'Arthur. We can't not speak to your father ever again,'

Arthur's hands shook on the wheel. He turned to me with tears in his eyes; 'So what do you want me to do? If I make up with my father I have to end it with you. And I am never going to do that!'


	9. Together

Merlin's POV

The tears spilled over and ran down his cheeks. I reached over and steadied the wheel with my hands; Arthur surely couldn't see from the tears now. I unfastened my seatbelt and told him to unfasten his; then keeping my hand on the wheel I jumped over to his seat and sat on his lap for a minute. Once I was in control of the pedals he untangled himself from me and clambered into the passenger seat. 'Sorry about this,' he muttered.

'Sorry for what?' I asked cheerily.

'For crying. I'm an embarrassment.'

'No you're not!' I turned down a small winding lane and then turned off the road onto the grass. Once the car was stopped I turned to Arthur and held him in my arms. I listened to him sniff for ages until he was all cried out. When he pulled away from me he was grinning in that goofy way that everybody does after crying. 'I don't care if you break down sobbing in the middle of town.' I said earnestly 'I'll always be stood there with the Kleenex. I'll never leave your side. You don't embarrass me at all. And even if you did, you could never embarrass me half as much as I embarrass myself with all the falling over clutsy-ness that I do everyday.'

He smiled at me. 'Thanks,'

'Am I ok to start driving again?' I asked.

'Let's just stay here tonight,' Arthur said.

'What, here?'

'Yeah. I have a rug in the back of the car and we can both fit on the back seat. I just want to be away from everything.'

'Alright,' I replied, pulling the keys out of the ignition and climbing into the back seat. Arthur followed me and we lay down on the seat. Arthur was too tall for the back seat, as was I. He put his feet on the ledge by the window and I knotted mine up in them. He put his head on my chest and completely covered me with his body. I didn't care, he was warm and he was Arthur. Two reasons to not complain about it. I pulled the rug over us, making sure out feet were under it and soon he was asleep.

I managed to turn my head so I could see out of the sun roof. The night was clear, a deep midnight blue sky that went on forever. The stars like tiny pin-pricks. The moon in such a tiny crescent it was almost completely gone. But the sliver that was there was shining so brightly that it made up for its size. Eventually I fell asleep too.

When I woke up the rug had fallen off our feet and mine felt like blocks of ice. I pressed them against the window and left foot prints there. 'Don't wipe your feet on my windows,' Arthur grunted.

'Good morning' I whispered. I checked my watch and saw it reading 9-00 AM. 'Shit, we're already late for college and we need to get changed first,' I pulled myself into a sitting position and by so doing pulled Arthur up too.

'Just give up,' he said casually, running his fingers through his hair in a way that made me want to devour him. There was something understatedly sexy about Arthur first thing in the morning. Maybe it was the tousled look of his hair? Maybe it was the way his eyes weren't entirely open because he was still half lost in dreams? I couldn't quite place it but he was his most beautiful and most sexy when I saw him like this. 'If we bother going we are going to be late anyway. And I've only got two classes today. You only have one. I'd rather spend a day with you?'

I lay back down again and pulled him with me. 'Alright,' I murmured. 'But you do realise that in 6 weeks you have been to college once,'

'I couldn't help that now could I?' he pouted.

I wanted to say that he could have helped it if he hadn't sliced his arm open in the first place. But I refrained from this.

'Besides. I want to go into writing. You don't need any qualifications to write a book. They help admittedly. But the book gets published based on its merit; not my A-levels.'

I pulled a face. 'True'

'Let me take you somewhere today?' he asked. 'Let me take you to one of the most beautiful places I know'

'Alright,' I grinned. I was just happy that he was feeling better and I wanted to keep him distracted.

Arthur clambered into the drivers seat and I into the passenger. It was a surprisingly chilly day and the windows had steamed up. We had to fire hot air at the windscreen for five minutes to get rid of the steam before we turned the heating onto us and I relaxed into the warmth. Once we were back on the main roads and we reached a respectable speed Arthur reached over and put his arm round me. I put both my arms round his, like I was hugging it. I breathed him in, then used his arm as a pillow. I could feel all of the ripples of his muscle through his shirt sleeve.

I was settling down for a snooze even though I had just been to sleep. 'Merlin?'

'Mmmph?'

'How long have you know you were gay?' Arthur asked.

I opened my eyes to find him concentrating on the road. He took his arm away from me to change gears, then rested his hand on my thigh. 'What do you mean?'

'When did you realise "I am gay"?'

I pulled a few faces; something that I know gets on his nerves a bit.

'I don't want the answer in mime?' he remarked.

I shrugged. 'I don't really know,' I answered. 'I'd guess at about two years now. That was when I started getting weird feelings around Lance.'

'Weird feelings?'

I nodded. 'Yeah. Like this one time we were hanging out at his house on the computer. I can't remember what we were doing but I suddenly felt this bizarre urge to kiss him. I didn't. But it was really hard not to; and I kept on getting that feeling. I could picture the kiss in my mind but not like I was kissing him. If that makes any sense. It was like I was watching Lance and me make out, but I was in the audience. It was weird anyway. And it took ages for me to admit it but I come to the conclusion that I was gay.'

I put my feet up on the dashboard.

'And do you still get that feeling around Lance?' Arthur asked, flicking on the indicator and turning into a narrow lane.

'Nah.' I replied. 'But I do get the feeling about you,' Arthur turned to me for a second.

'Pardon?'

'All the time.' I nodded. 'I want to kiss you all the time.'

A smile cracked Arthur's frowning, pouting face in half. We remained in silence for the rest of the journey, Arthur taking me further and further into the wild countryside. Finally, he pulled up parallel to a field. I looked around. It was barren. It was bland.

'Is this it?' I asked, disgruntled.

'No, impatient boy!' Arthur joked as he leaned over me and unfastened my seatbelt while capturing my lips in a kiss. We kissed for quite a while; forgetting what we were here for. Then, while Arthur was on top of me, he flicked the catch to open the door and we nearly toppled out of the car. The icy wind caught on my naked arms and neck and face. I regretted just wearing my t-shirt now. 'Shit it's cold' I chattered.

Arthur shrugged and opened the boot of the car. His bags were in there from the night before, clothes shoved in pell-mell. He un-zipped the first one and delved into it until he pulled out a thick-knit, half zip jumper in navy blue. He pulled it over my head and fed my arms through it like I was a small child. When my head had popped out of the top he pulled the zip right up to the top so it covered my chin. The jumper was too big for me; skinny as I was. But I liked it. It was protection from the chill just as Arthur was protection from his father. I buried my nose in the wool and breathed deeply. It smelled of Arthur; that scent that made me melt inside.

Arthur pulled out a jacket for himself and put it on before slamming both the boot and the car door. He took my hand in his and together we walked off. I had no idea where he was taking me but I didn't mind that. I was with him.

Arthur lead me across two fields until we reached a forest. We trod the paths taking us over roots and bogs and little streams. The sunlight filtered through the trees turning everything green and yellow. 'Where are we going?' I asked.

'For goodness' sake Merlin!' Arthur said loudly and exasperatedly.

I grinned. I had only said it because I knew it would wind him up.

'Will you please just walk with me for a minute? You will know when we have arrived, trust me,'

'Fine,' I pouted before we carried on walking. It took nearly another half hour to reach the spot. In the middle of the forest was an enormous lake; filled with ducks and geese swimming round looking for fish. Trees bowed down to the water on every side. The water wasn't brown or green or any other muddy colour; it was the perfect blue you only get in swimming pools. There were tiny ripples all the way along its surface. Arthur reached up to the tree next to us and shook it; all of the droplets of water that had previously been on the branches fell off and flew through the air to the surface of the water. As each droplet landed the circles began and they grew and grew and grew. It was incredible. Some of them were getting so big that I couldn't see the end of them yet others were only just forming and they began to grow just as the others had.

'Wow,' I muttered. 'You're right. That is beautiful,'

'Wait,' Arthur grunted as he stepped on one of the lower branches and reached up for a tiny berry. It was a red/purple colour and fat with juice. He held the berry out for me to look at. I reached out and touched it with the tip of my finger. 'This is you,' he said, indicating the berry.

'I don't know whether to be flattered or insulted,' I said, pulling a face.

'Shut up for a minute,' he snapped. I pulled an "I'm insulted face" and he began to laugh. 'This is you,' he said again. 'And the water is me,'

I frowned. 'Right?'

'Just go with me on this,' he said. 'This is you and the water is me,'

'Yes. I get it Arthur. You have said it enough times now,'

'Right. Watch the water,' he murmured. He waited a moment for the rest of the ripples to disappear before he flung the berry into the water. It landed with a plop and the ripples began again. But this time they were more definite, and more beautiful. They got bigger and bigger. 'When we are together,' Arthur began 'You make me a bigger person. You make me a better person.' I nodded. 'And when we're together, we are so beautiful,'

Arthur came back from where he stood in the tree and sat beside me. I immediately jumped up and sat on his lap sideways so we could both see the water. 'I have three things to say,' I said. 'Firstly; you threw me into a lake? I can't swim you know! I will have drowned by now you heartless murderer.' Arthur started drawing circles on my back which shut me up at once.

'Anything other than mindless Merlin babble?' he asked quietly.

'Yes,' I managed to say. I took his hand away from my back and held it. 'Just stop that for a moment or I will not be able to talk; it feels so good,' Arthur wrinkled his nose at me. 'Where was I? Ah yes! Secondly: that was the corniest, cheesiest, cringiest thing I have ever seen. Thirdly: I love it almost as much as I love you,'

Arthur rolled his eyes; 'And you say **I'm** cringey!'

He pushed me off his lap and lay down flat on the ground. I did the same, then I reached over and laced my fingers through his. We stayed there for the rest of the day in absolute bliss. We watched the sun set over the lake, turning it to blood, then tears then stormy clouds in turn. Until the very last ray of sunlight had vanished.

'Arthur?'

'Yeah?' Arthur said into the darkness.

'You didn't think this through very well did you?' I said.

'What do you mean?' he asked, I heard him sit up but couldn't see it at all.

'What I mean is it is pitch black, setting in for the night. We can't see a thing and we have no light. How the hell do we get back to the car?'

I heard Arthur swallow. 'Crap,' he said into the dark.


End file.
